So it's one o'clock in the morning or so, and I'm about a mile away from you at the university using the internet since we don't have any yet at the house, as you lie in bed, sleeping. I am too hyped up on spicy salsa to even think about sleeping, but my eyelids are feeling quite heavy right now...probably because my brain knows I should be writing my paper on Wuthering Heights. But I digress.
You are my world. And when you leave for Iraq in less than two weeks I shall be crushed, broken, devastated. I know this now, and I know that you will find it too hard to bear my tears, so I must be strong, even though ever ounce of me wants to beg you to stay here, in Morris, where we met over a year ago and in less than seven months fell in love. It is true that I am clingy, annoying, absolutely dependent on you for almost everything, and that there is no possible way for me to change, but I think you like that about me. No matter how unhealthy and intricately wrong it may be. But the point still remains, you're leaving me. FOR. A. YEAR. and I am sad, and nothing but your return will make me happy again. In some ways I wish you would just leave already so you can be back faster, and in some ways I just wish Obama would just tell the nation that we say "fuck you" to the middle east, and let Bin Laden die in some catacomb in the desert where oil will sprout unexpectedly out of the ground and he will choke on it. But I know that you want this, you've always wanted this chance, to prove your patriotism and your honor. I just wish that you could have gotten this done with before me...
Mostly I have been running away from the idea of you leaving. I cannot and will not let my mind think about you not being here to pick me up from school, or buying me food because I always forget to pack any for myself, or you agreeing with me on everything I say because you think that it makes me happy. I will miss having someone to yell at when I'm pmsing even though I know you are not to blame at all. I will miss being able to hold your hand or kiss your face whenever I want, and mostly I will miss being able to feel your warm body pressed against mine when we sleep at night. The bed will be so cold and I will be so lonely. These thoughts could, if I'd let them, consume me. They could cause me to become a zombie and forget the fact that I had a life outside of you once. But I feel guilty wanting to have some sort of distraction so I will not think of you when you are gone, yet I am not sure I can bear you absence. I am not sure if I am as strong as I promise to you that I am, and I can go to as many FRG meetings as possible and that will never help. I'm so fucked up that I'll never know what is real and what is paranoia until I will be able to touch you again. So you'll have that to look forward to. I have been told that there will be times when I will question if you are even real, and that scares me since you are the only thing in my life that I live for, and if you're not even real, then what the hell will I do?
Then again it might be good for me to find myself again. To remind myself that I am a person too, and that we are not the same person. But I have always thought of the best relationships are made up when two people become one and that means one in every aspect of life. Of course this might be bullshit, but it's what I believe, and maybe then it might be a good thing for us to never fall apart. I'm not sure. I'm just so lost. I don't know what I should be feeling or thinking or doing. I feel like this is a monumental thing and all I'm doing is ignoring it because I can't handle what it does to me emotionally even when I think I'm fine. I feel like we should be spending these next two weeks making tons of memories before you leave because you could die. And I know that seems like a super lame reason to make memories with someone, but what happens if you do die? I mean even if it's just because of something that had nothing to do with the army? I just feel like I should be doing more relationship'y' things. Like we should be doing so many other things but all we really do is sit together and watch television...I like tv, but there are pictures to be taken, snowmen to be made, places to see, people to talk to, goals to fulfill...etc.
I love you and you're right. A part of me blames you for something you have no control over, but my brain will not be logical or rational. I understand that this is also a hard time for you, but as I mentioned before my brain is incapable of rationality at this moment, and all I can do is believe what I want. I am a selfish, selfish being and nothing in the world could change that right now. I am very egotistical and I try not to be but I have this viewpoint and I cannot get out of it. I want to, but I think I need to mature up more or something. Anyway, I understand that this is probably harder for you because you feel the need to take care of me while attempting to realign yourself to what you are told to do from what you want to do. But forget about me. I am a silly little school girl who has dreams that will be squashed because all dreams of mine seem to be. You are going to be a part of something big, and I am happy for you.
And I just want you to know, that you are amazing. I am the luckiest person in the world. I know that I have psychological problems I need to deal with, and I have numerous other types of problems, but I'm going to be ok. I always am. I'm not going to ever leave you because I cannot even imagine my life without you, and I plan on being your wife and lover for the rest of my life. You are my only one, and I will work hard to make this relationship successful. I cannot change my past and neither can you, but when you come back I'll be waiting for you.
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