It's hard to see him like this. All unhappy smiley emoticons that portray to me a sense of "surrealness" about the situation that seems far more real than anything has before. Yet this is his way of coping, of believing that as a man he has to be strong and believe that everything will be ok because he CAN and WILL make it. I suppose that it is less bad than it seems but I wish he'd realize that it is ok. That he can cry and scream and threaten the very foundations of his beliefs because it isn't fair. This should not happen but it is happening and fuck anything that even insinuates that this is just life and it's all part of a bigger more meaningful plan.
Ruth, Robby's mother was a wonderful being. It is true that she carried a stick that even Roosevelt would have admired but she still had a huge heart. I remember being yelled at for talking during choir, and remember some of the less respectful students in class getting their fair share of scoldings for being the most immature and disgusting people I have ever met, but that is another topic. She was a gentle kindred spirit and I think everyone loved her for that. It'll be hard to let her go, and to remember that she is no longer here anymore. It'll be even harder to look him in the eye and pretend that everything is just fine, when we both know that it isn't.
Losing is so tough, but there really isn't anything we can do about it. It's that monotonous cycle that pisses the shit out of you because it's inevitable but so undesirable: life, yet living wouldn't not be so wonderful if it wasn't topped off with dying.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Where you will go
It's been almost a decade since I first met him. He and I were almost an entire year apart but still in the same fifth grade class, and I would have sworn that I was beating him at maturity by at least five years, then again they say girls mature faster than boys... At first we did not like each other. In fact our relationship consisted purely in hating each other and trying our best to humiliate the other as much as possible...this could have been attributed to the fact that we both liked the others best friend: Alicia and Tom. Obviously things changed.
In high school we took turns crushing on each other, and eventually ended up going to two dances together and sharing a kiss...but that is where it stayed, even though both of us, I think thought we'd be together someday. But as life would have it, we moved on. We went to schools some hundred miles apart, talked to each other yearly, and drifted apart until some would consider us strangers.
His mother is dying. His mother who taught us choir, taught my brother piano, is fading into something unrecognizable. She is becoming something far too great for me to reconcile with my atheism. When she's gone, she's gone. There is no more of her, and sadly generations from now will maybe know who she was, but they won't ever know what she did. How she cared and loved and taught. How much she meant to Robby, and how much that means to me.
In high school we took turns crushing on each other, and eventually ended up going to two dances together and sharing a kiss...but that is where it stayed, even though both of us, I think thought we'd be together someday. But as life would have it, we moved on. We went to schools some hundred miles apart, talked to each other yearly, and drifted apart until some would consider us strangers.
His mother is dying. His mother who taught us choir, taught my brother piano, is fading into something unrecognizable. She is becoming something far too great for me to reconcile with my atheism. When she's gone, she's gone. There is no more of her, and sadly generations from now will maybe know who she was, but they won't ever know what she did. How she cared and loved and taught. How much she meant to Robby, and how much that means to me.
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